I just don’t get it.
Lately, no matter WHAT product I’m shopping for or what review I’m reading online, Amazon.com will not leave me alone about this:
What. The. Eff.
I don’t get it. I can be looking up a mystery novel, or a Nintendo DS game, or new slippers…doesn’t matter. Amazon shrewdly slips this photo at the front of my “You might also like…” queue.
Because dammit, if a person likes mystery books, video games, and house shoes, OF COURSE they cannot live without the “Jo!e Lil Flip Nylon Egg Spatula,” right?
Who CAN live without that?
I don’t even understand where it came from. I’ve never searched for spatulas on Amazon. I once wrote a blog post last year about Jamie naming a dog Spatula, but I didn’t link Amazon to the post. I’m not running Google Adsense on here. And it’s not like Amazon is trying to push off any other spatula in the Universe on me. Nope, it has to be this one. The “Jo!e Lil Flip.”
Which, by the way, is the dumbest-looking object I’ve ever seen. I’d rather eat eggs flipped with a dirty Odor Eater insole than that thing. That’s how friggin’ sick I am of seeing it.
And, really, egg spatula company? Are you THAT cool that you can’t even spell ‘joie’ normally? Like you think you’re P!nk or something? Only maybe no one told you “joie” is already cooler sounding because it’s in French. Adding a stupid upside-down-exclamation mark is like sprinkling gummy bears over a flan to make it more appealing. So just stop it. Stop it now.
And Amazon. I’m back to you now. You’ve been trying and trying, and I’m just not putting that stupid thing in my cart. Ever. Even in my future lives, I’m pretty sure, I will not want your ugly-ass egg turner because I cook on an actual oven, not one that says Fisher-Price on the bottom, and grown-ups don’t need plastic egg turners with pictures of frowning eggs on the top making them feel bad about their decision to fry up the egg’s little friends and devour them in Kraken-like rancor with coffee and toast. I have enough food guilt in my life already, so don’t go projecting on me.
In fact, I’m so annoyed by your frowny little judgmental egg man staring at me every time I try to shop, I am going to put a link right here to your page with the reviews that only gave the spatula ONE star and talked about how shitty it was. So there’s that.
Pleeeeeease stop suggesting that I buy this dumb thing so I can go back to looking forward to seeing what other stuff similar to my viewed item awaits me at the bottom of the screen for me, begging me to waste my money on. Genuinely cool stuff I’d be proud to own and excited to see arrive in those glorious amazon boxes wedged between the door in my carport after work, not a stupid glaring egg handle that will never, ever match anything else in my kitchen because it’s that ugly.
Oh, wait. What? There’s an entire LINE of frowning egg crap I can buy for my kitchen?
Fuck.
